Golden Sun: The Broken Story --- Last chapter! But of course, I have another parody to rewrite... The Lost Age's, of course. --- [Studio] Director: *is drinking coffee* Thank goodness... when this is over, I won't have to work with you irritating Adepts anymore. Isaac: Were we really that bad? Garet: Napoleon's just cranky... Isaac: But I don't think we helped. Ivan: Hey, at least we won't have to deal with him anymore either. Mia: Poor Mr Director... Isaac: He's a nutjob... Garet: What's with all that coffee he drinks? Ivan: I think he just likes coffee... Mia: Maybe he acts strange because of caffeine overdoses... [To Venus Lighthouse] Isaac: Here we are, at the Gondowan Crossing... Garet: At last, we're getting a step closer to cheese... Ivan: Mmm... cheese... Mia: Oh, look, there's Iodem over there! Iodem: *is napping on the ground* Guard: Stupid Iodem. Doesn't he know he'll catch cold? Other guard: Yeah, and he's been sitting here for days! Guard: What is up with him anyway? Other guard: Maybe he's become a hobo... Isaac: Uh... he really was waiting here all this time? Ivan: That's insane... Garet: *kicks Iodem* Hey! Wake up! Mia: Garet! Don't kick him! Iodem: Ow! I'm awake... huh? Where am I? Oh, yeah, the Gondowan Crossing... you kids finally arrived? Ivan: You were honestly waiting all day and night? Iodem: Yes! Garet: *sigh* You're not terribly bright, are you? Isaac: Anyway, let's go to the Venus Lighthouse now... *Isaac, Garet, Ivan, Mia and Iodem go to Suhalla* Ivan: Wow, this sure is a tiny village... Isaac: Why don't we go into that random house there? *The group goes into the house and sees soldiers lying on beds* Iodem: What the...? Soldiers from Tolbi? Girl: These soldiers were brought here by the death storms in Suhalla. Please do not disturb them. Garet: Death storms? Girl: Yep. The desert is full of them. Ivan: Yikes. Soldier 1: Iodem...? That you? Iodem: Hey, wait a minute... aren't you the soldiers who were supposed to be escorting Sheba back to Lalivero? Soldier 2: !!! ... ... Sheba? Who's Sheba? >_> *shifty look* Soldier 1: *sigh* Give it up. He knows. Mia: Um... Sheba? o_O Iodem: Oh, Babi was holding some girl named Sheba hostage so that Lalivero would build him a tower. Isaac: Wow. That's just evil. What a creep. Garet: I can't believe we agreed to save this guy's life. Ivan: It's okay, Garet. We won't. Director: *coughs* Ahem. Ivan: ._.; Was that a next game spoiler? Iodem: Where is she?! Soldier 2: Would you believe us if we said she was back in Lalivero already? Soldier 1: Stop trying to lie your way out of trouble! *sigh* We lost her. Iodem: What?! Soldier 1: We lost her when that storm picked us up. Sorry. Oh, and... there were other people in the desert. Isaac: Really? Soldier 1: Those tornadoes were made by monsters and the people were fighting the monsters. One of the people made water come out of the ground and monsters appeared from the tornadoes. Soldier 2: We tried spitting on the tornadoes but it was useless. Iodem: Water coming out of the ground? Doesn't this sound like the people you are following? Isaac: How did you know we were following people? Iodem: Uh... lucky guess? Ivan: Well, the people we are following have powers like us. Soldier 1: Sheba might be alright... she was at the edge of the tornado so she might not have been caught in it... Iodem: Well then, we must hurry to the desert! She may still be there! Soldier 2: Don't try spitting on the tornadoes! Garet: Uh... we won't... *Isaac, Garet, Ivan, Mia and Iodem leave and enter Suhalla Desert* Iodem: Eek! A tornado has appeared out of nowhere! Garet: No problem! *casts Halt* Mia: Uh... Garet... Garet: What? It's convenient! Mia: *sigh* *The group travels through the desert halting tornadoes and are getting close to the exit when...* Storm Lizard: I'm coming for you! Buahahahahaha! Isaac: Ack! Run! *The group runs and barely manages to reach the exit before Storm Lizard gets them* Storm Lizard: ;_; I hate you guys! Iodem: We haven't found Sheba anywhere. Perhaps the guards at the gate can keep a look out for her. Isaac: Okay. *The group exits the desert, picking up Flash and Bane along the way. They reach Suhalla Gate and find two soldiers lying on ground.* Iodem: What is the meaning of this? Soldier 1: Can't a guy take a nap? Soldier 2: Zzzzz... Iodem: ... You were napping?! Soldier 1: Yeah. I think some people might have passed in between my naps, but I was feeling too sleepy to ask if they had papers. Iodem: You're supposed to be guarding the gate! Soldier 2: *snore* Soldier 1: Aw, come on... we're tired! Isaac: So, a group passed by? Soldier 1: Yeah... can't remember how many though... Garet: It's probably Saturos and Menardi! Isaac: We'd better hurry! Iodem: When I get back, I'm firing you two! Soldier 1: Yay! Soldier 2: Zzzz... Iodem: ... Ugh. Let's go. *The group goes on, picking up Dew, and arrives at the lighthouse* Garet: Cool... another phallic building... Ivan: All the lighthouses are phallic... Mia: Let's go in and check it out! *The group explores the Venus Lighthouse, gets the Carry Stone, talk to a statue and come out again* Isaac: Uh... we didn't find very much in there... Ivan: That statue thing seemed odd though. Maybe those lights on the ground did something. Garet: What's with all the people lying on the ground? Are they all lazy or something? Ivan: No... it seems they were caught up in a rampage of crazy stampeding Mars Adepts. Even the old guys... Mia: Saturos and Menardi sure are careless. *Isaac, Garet, Ivan, Mia and Iodem go on to Lalivero. Even more soldiers are lying on the ground at the entrance.* Iodem: I swear if you two are napping-! Soldier 1: No, we're badly injured! Honest! Soldier 2: Dust bunnies... Soldier 1: We were attacked... there was a group of seven... Ivan: Huh? Seven? Mia: Shouldn't it be a group of six? Garet: Yeah, that's what I thought too. Isaac: Saturos, Menardi, Alex, Kraden, Felix, Jenna... that's six. Soldier 2: Insane dust bunnies of doom... Soldier 1: Ignore him, he got hit on the head. Oh... I think, one of them was Sheba... Iodem: What?! They took Sheba? Those monsters! Soldier 2: Coming to eat our souls... Soldier 1: Yes... and they were heading to... Babi Lighthouse... Iodem: Then we must go on to Babi Lighthouse! Soldier 1: The mayor of Lalivero, Faran, has also gone after them. Iodem: Ulp! ... Hey, I think I'll stay here... Garet: No, you won't! Iodem: ;_; *Isaac, Garet, Ivan, Mia and Iodem go on to Babi Lighthouse, get Luff, and end up at the entrance to the tunnel ruins* Iodem: F-faran... it's... nice to see you... Faran: IODEM!!! They got my daughter!!! How did this happen!? Iodem: *falls to floor whimpering* You see, the soldiers escorting her were rather incompetent and... and... she got taken in the desert... I'm so sorry! Man 1: Hey, we're a bit vexed about this door here. Man 2: Yeah, I swear I saw that group going through it, but nobody believes me because it won't open! Ivan: I'll open it. *casts Reveal and hits a switch* Man: Gasp! It does open! Ivan: But... how could Saturos and Menardi get through here when they don't have anyone who knows Reveal...? Isaac: Plothole. Iodem and Faran: Let's go! *They throw themselves at the door but it quickly shuts and they slam against it instead* Oof! Garet: Only we Adepts can go through it, suckers. Mia: But what if an Adept and a non-Adept go through it at the same time holding hands? Will the non-Adept just get blasted back or something? Ivan: And didn't Kraden go through it? He's not an Adept! Isaac: Another plothole. Garet: Or Kraden secretly is an Adept and nobody knows. Faran: Go on then... save my daughter! Iodem: Yeah! If you don't, Lalivero will go nuts and it will not be good at all! Hurry! Isaac: Oh, believe me, we are hurrying... Garet: It would be a bit quicker if certain people didn't talk so much. Ivan: No kidding. *Isaac, Garet, Ivan and Mia proceed through the Venus Lighthouse and eventually reach the final chute. They then jump down and are carried to the aerie. They stand on the elevator and look around.* Menardi: The time has come to release the Cheese of Venus. Saturos: ... Let's leave the cheese crap to those kids. Menardi: Yeah, it's not even that funny anyway. Saturos: So, it's actually time to light Venus. And after that, Jupiter and Mars. Menardi: But lighting Jupiter is virtually the same as lighting Mars, so no big deal. Saturos: I still laugh at the thought of people taking that literally. I wonder if someone out there thought Mars would light itself when Jupiter did or something. How would that be possible? Menardi: Yeah. Really, Mars Lighthouse is just next to our hometown and we know it inside out, so it's no big deal. Felix: *walks up* That's right, your dreams are within your grasp now. Sheba: Have you come to save me from these scary looking people? Saturos: Hey! I'm not scary looking! I'm a sexy beast! Menardi: And I'm the prettiest woman in Prox! Saturos: But, didn't that one guy back in that town think you were a man before you spoke? He wasn't a pretty sight after that... Menardi: Shut up, Saturos! *smacks* Saturos: Ouch. ;_; I'm just saying I'm not sure if you are the prettiest. There was no need to hurt me... Menardi: ... Felix: Uh... hello? Sheba: They are a bit self-absorbed at the moment... Saturos: Oh, it's you. What do you want? Menardi: Yeah, why did you come back? Felix: I came here for someone... Saturos: You must mean Sheba... what about her? Felix: Is it safe for her up here? Menardi: We'll take care of her. Felix: Do you really need her anymore? Why don't you let her go? Saturos: We need her to enter Jupiter Lighthouse, because she's a Jupiter Adept, and we need a Jupiter Adept to enter Jupiter Lighthouse. Capiche? Felix: Uh... makes sense... but I'm still going to take her to the ship because it's not safe up here! Menardi: Let's see... no. Saturos: We kinda don't trust you anymore, so we won't let you take Sheba. Felix: ... Hey, Sheba, let's go. Ignore the Mars Adepts. ^_^;;; Sheba: o_0;;; But... Saturos: Are you willing to do this, even though it means fighting us? Menardi: I believe he is! He would not have defied us if he lacked the will to fight! Saturos: But you've seen what we can do... you know how powerful we are. Menardi: How can you hope to protect Sheba, when you can't even protect yourself? Felix: Oh crap... >_>; Menardi: You've questioned us for the last time! Let's see what you can do! Saturos: So, what are you going to do, cast Quake until we fall on our butts? Felix: T_T Sheba: >_>; You're screwed, Felix. Isaac: Huh... looks like Felix's got himself in trouble... Garet: It seems to be more than that. Mia: Yeah, it seems like Saturos and Menardi no longer trust him. Ivan: He's really screwed, isn't he? Isaac: Obviously. Let's go and save him. *Isaac, Garet, Ivan and Mia hurry to the aerie.* Felix: Oh, Isaac... Saturos: !!! Oh, crap! Menardi: See what your defiance has brought us, Felix? Felix: Maybe if you'd just ignored me and lit the lighthouse instead, it wouldn't have happened. Menardi: Don't be a smartass! Saturos: You distracted us! Felix: You were the ones standing around and talking instead of actually, you know, lighting it! Sheba: Geez! Does it matter whose fault it is? Mia: Let Sheba go! Saturos: Oh, do you want Sheba? Menardi: Like we're going to give up our super rare Jupiter Adept. Saturos: I know... we won't harm Sheba, if you meet our conditions. Menardi: What?! Saturos: Sheba, remember the rod connected to Hesperia? Sheba: The Rod of Hesperia? Um... yes. Menardi: The rod we need to enter Jupiter Lighthouse, right? Sheba: I'm sure they have at least three rods. ^_^ Felix: o_0; Sheba! Saturos: *sigh* Read their minds and find out if they have it! Sheba: Okay! *starts mind reading* Ivan: (thinking) I love cheese so much... Garet: (thinking) I want chicken... Mia: (thinking) Is Sheba's hair stylist blind? Isaac: (thinking) I'm pretty sure we have that rod actually. Sheba: My stylist is not blind! T_T Um... yes, they seem to have the rod. Saturos: Will you hand over the rod? Ivan: The Shaman's Rod...? Isaac: Ivan, hand it over. Garet: But, Hammet gave that to him! Isaac: But Sheba needs to be saved! Ivan: No... Menardi: Very good, Saturos! Now we have the rod! Saturos: Felix, go and get it! Felix: WHYYYY MEEEEE? *cuts wrist* Saturos: ... Felix: Uh, sorry. Emo moment. *bandages wrist and goes to receive Shaman's Rod.* Ivan: ... My precious. *clutches Shaman's Rod* Felix: Um... can I have it, please? Ivan: No! My precious! *hisses* Gollum. Isaac: Ivan! Give Felix the rod now! Mia: Sheba's life is at stake here! Ivan: I will not hand over the precious! Garet: *sigh* What's so great about it anyway? Mia: Ivan, does this smell like chloroform? *presses a rag against his face* Ivan: Uh, yes... it... *collapses* Isaac: That was a bit extreme, Mia. Mia: It was necessary. *pulls the rod from Ivan's hands and gives it to Felix* There you go. Felix: Uh, thanks. *walks back to other side* Garet: Alright! Come here, Sheba! Sheba: *starts walking* Saturos: Uh, where are you going? Sheba: *stops* ??? Isaac: We gave you the rod, so let Sheba go! Saturos: Whatever do you mean? Garet: Quit playing around! You said you would let Sheba go if we gave you the Shaman's Rod! Menardi: Those were your terms... Saturos: Hah! I said Sheba would not be harmed if you gave us the rod. I never said we would let her go! Mia: Aw, crap. He's right. Menardi: Heh heh, looks like you misunderstood Saturos. Garet: So did you. Menardi: ... Shut up, brat! Saturos: Anyway, if we were to let Sheba go, she would be in quite a fix. Ivan: *wakes up* Precious? Precious? PRECIOUS!!!! NOOOOOOO! Mia: *hits Ivan* Be quiet! Ivan: ;_; Garet: Uh, why? Ivan: ... *sobs* Menardi: Sheba can't get back to Lalivero alone. Ivan: But we're taking her...... oh. Isaac: I guess they want to fight us. Menardi: Well, duh! Saturos: Bring it on! Felix: They really are bloodthirsty today... =/ Sheba: No kidding... *The battle starts* Ivan: I must get back the precious somehow! Feel the wrath of my forks! *throws a flurry of forks at Saturos and Menardi* *Forks bounce harmlessly off their scales and armour* Saturos Um... that was weak. Menardi: No kidding. Ivan: Ugh... why do I even bother with forks? Isaac: *summons mutant blobs of cheese to attack Saturos and Menardi* I have no idea how I did that by the way. Saturos: Mmm, cheese... Menardi: Ew! It's in my hair! Gross! Garet: Go forth, chocobos! *Chocobo army attacks Saturos and Menardi* Saturos: Ow! Menardi: Their beaks hurt! Mia: It's my turn now! Go, my wonderful Furbies! *Furbies hit Saturos and Menardi and sensationally explode* Saturos: Ah! Curses! x_x Menardi: This sucks. x_x *Saturos and Menardi are defeated* Isaac: Poor guys. They are only trying to save their hometown. Garet: Isaac! Director: *hurls about ten coffee mugs at Isaac* Isaac: *dodges them* Yikes! Ack! Scary! Mia: Isaac, why do you insist on doing that? Isaac: To make everything sound horribly ironic. Garet: I can't believe we actually beat them... Mia: No kidding... and so easily too. Ivan: Now give me my precious back! Isaac: Let's go, Sheba! Sheba: Don't I get a choice? >_> Felix: *stands in front of Sheba* >_> Garet: Hey, what are you doing? Felix: The other lighthouses still need to be lit. Mia: Uh, so you're going to light the beacons? Ivan: That's crazy! (mutters) World destruction for the win. Isaac: Huh? What did you say, Ivan? Ivan: Nothing. Felix: I figured you'd say that, but I'm doing it anyway. Garet: Hey, Isaac, does that make him our enemy? Isaac: No. Hah, Archibald can't hurt me for that. >_> Director: *fumes and hisses rude words* Felix: I'm still not setting Sheba free. Saturos: ... I hope..... you don't think... you've finished... us off. Mia: Uh, we had hoped so, actually. *Saturos and Menardi attempt to stand* Menardi: We'll be fine... as soon as we do this! Saturos: Everyone, do the hustle! *Saturos and Menardi begin dancing the hustle* Isaac: What... Garet: The... Ivan: Heck!? Mia: Cool! *starts hustling* Sheba: Wow! *also hustles* Felix: ... ... Is this just a very bad dream? Sheba: Come on, Felix! Hustle! Felix: ... ... ... Do I have to? Isaac: Uh... this doesn't make any sense. Garet: No kidding... Ivan: I'll join in! *starts hustling as well* Saturos: *chucks Venus Star into beacon while hustling* Menardi: Awesome! *keeps hustling* Everyone: YAY! Director: Excuse me!? Isaac/Garet/Ivan/Mia: Uh... Noooooo! Menardi: The beacon will restore our Psynergy! Saturos: Felix, take Sheba and go! Felix: What? Why are you letting us go? Menardi: Do you ever stop questioning orders? Saturos: We may not be able to protect Sheba after this, so you must take her and leave. Felix: No... I can't leave you to fight them... Menardi: Oh, don't tell lies! We know you just want to protect that brat from your past! Felix: You think I might help them? Menardi: Let's just say I wouldn't put it past you. Felix: ... Saturos? Saturos: I wouldn't say that, but, it's best not to raise our suspicions. Felix: *sigh* Fine! I'll take Sheba! Can't you guys just make your minds up already? Let's go, Sheba. Sheba: I am so confused. *Felix and Sheba start walking toward the elevator* Garet: Wait! I won't let you go! Ivan: Precious!!! Mia: Geez, Ivan... stop doing that. Isaac: Why has the sky gone red? *Saturos and Menardi continue dancing the hustle, then begin to flash and start fusing* Mia: Eh? They are fusing? Ivan: Their Psynergy is exploding! Isaac: This doesn't look good... Ivan: Run awaaaaay! Mia: It's no good, we can't escape! *The Fusion Dragon Battle begins* Ivan: Hmm. *slides underneath Fusion Dragon* Mia: Uh, Ivan, what are you doing? Ivan: I'm trying to figure out its gender! Isaac: Are you insane? Fusion Dragon: ... *knocks Ivan back with tail* Ivan: Owww! Garet: Well, Ivan? Ivan: I couldn't get a good look... Mia: Maybe it's a hermaphrodite. Garet: Or asexual. Isaac: Does it really matter? That thing's trying to kill us in case you forgot. Garet: I guess we'll just have to cheat. *summons Meteor* Director: Hey! Isaac: Yeah! *summons Judgment* Mia: Go, Boring... I mean, Boreas! *summons Boreas* Ivan: Uh... okay. *summons Thor* Fusion Dragon: Ow! *casts Dragon Driver and Outer Space* Isaac/Garet/Ivan/Mia: Ouch! That hurts! Isaac: Screw this. *summons Judgment, Meteor, Thor and Boreas* Director: Hey! You can't do that! Garet: *summons Chocobo* Chocobo: *casts Ultima* Director: WTF!? Ivan: Meh. Spark Plasma. Fusion Dragon: ... Can't... keep... this up... Mia: *summons Furbies of the Round Table* Director: Is that supposed to be a crappy rip off of that Knights of the Round from Final Fantasy Seven?! Mia: Yes, and just as powerful too. Fusion Dragon: *pwned* *Fusion Dragon is defeated* Saturos: I can't believe... they defeated us... Menardi: We were no match for them... Saturos: We'll be... martyrs... Menardi: Yeah... *Saturos and Menardi fall down beacon* Ivan: We defeated the coolest Proxians ever... Garet: And now they'll be replaced by lamer Proxians. Mia: I hope you lot are happy! *sniff* Satty... Isaac: Mia, you were fighting too... Mia: Oh... yeah... ._. Ivan: This sucks. They shouldn't have died. Director: *cough* Garet: Well... they are gone. Ivan: We couldn't save Venus Lighthouse, but at least we can save the other lighthouses. Mia: Yeah, so no problem. Isaac: But Felix's taken Sheba, so... Mia: Over there! Ivan: Huh? ... Ah! Look! Isaac: !!! Garet: What is it? *also looks* Felix! Felix: You defeated them?! o_o; Maybe I shouldn't have stayed to watch after all... Sheba: Weren't you meant to take me to a ship? I see no ship. Felix: >_>; Uh... well... Ivan: Give me back the precious! Felix: Uh, let's go. ^_^; Sheba: We should have gone ages ago... Garet: Hey! Wait! Isaac: They are gone, so you don't have to light any more beacons... Mia: You don't have the Elemental Star anyway, right? Felix: Wrong. For some reason, I conveniently have the Jupiter Star. I'm not sure why they would keep Sheba and give me the Jupiter Star, but they did. Sheba: That is kind of strange... Ivan: Uh... so you still want to light the beacons? Felix: Yep. Garet: That's crazy! Felix: ... I have my reasons for doing this. You wouldn't understand. Mia: Well, if you're not going to let Sheba go, we'll just have to take her from you then! Felix: ... *sigh* Can't anyone give me a freaking break?! *Venus Lighthouse suddenly splits into four* Garet: Aw, crap. Now we can't reach Felix. Ivan: *sobs* Precious! Mia: Huh? There's a strange light coming up... Isaac: Ooh... *stares at beacon as a light rises* *The light suddenly explodes and then Isaac, Garet, Ivan and Mia are lying down on the floor* Felix: Noooo! Sheba! Sheba: ... *is hanging from lighthouse* Felix: Take my hand! Sheba: I... can't... Felix: You have to! If you don't, you'll die! Sheba: Look down... the foundations of Venus Lighthouse are crumbling... Felix: Ooh, a floating island... huh? Is that to protect the lighthouse? Sheba: I'm slipping... I can't hold on any longer... *one hand slips* Felix: No! Sheba! You have to hold on! Sheba: Goodbye, Felix... and thank you. *lets go and falls* Felix: ! *stands* No! Sheba, I won't let you die! *jumps off* Isaac: !!! *stands, looking shocked* Garet: What the... did Felix just jump off the lighthouse? *stands* Ivan: *also stands* My precious... is gone... Mia: *stands as well* I can't believe Felix did that... and from so high as well... Garet: So... uh... what now? Isaac: *snaps out of it* Let's go back to Lalivero. *Lighthouse smashes back together* Ivan: Good idea. *Isaac, Garet, Ivan and Mia return to Lalivero after fruitlessly searching for Jenna and Kraden.* Faran: Blah blah blah. Iodem: Blah blah blah. Isaac: -_- *struggling to stay awake* Garet: *is sleeping on floor* Ivan: *crying over 'precious'* Mia: *is on verge of snapping* Faran: So, that's the end of our long, boring conversation about how the cave to Idejima was flooded, Idejima broke off the mainland and some crap about Sheba. Garet: *wakes up* Huh? It's finally over? Isaac: *rubs eyes* Thank goodness... Iodem: Here, have this Black Orb and go to Babi's ship now. Mia: Thanks! Ivan: *sigh* Precious... will I ever see it again? *Isaac, Garet, Ivan and Mia leave, going to the building where the guard was, then enter.* Random Djinn: Hi! We are random Djinn you didn't get in this fic! Now you can get us all at once! *join* Isaac: So, uh, we have all the Djinn now. Garet: Looks like it. Ivan: Ooh, a cool looking ship! Mia: Yay! We get a ship! Isaac: And then it will mysteriously disappear in the next game and nobody will say what happened to it for some reason. *Isaac use the Black Orb to make the ship rise and everyone stands on the bridge* Isaac: Well, it's time to leave... Garet: We have to save Jenna and Kraden. Mia: I must find Alex and punish him. Ivan: I must get the precious back. *Isaac, Garet, Ivan and Mia jump onto the ship and it sails out of Lalivero*