An Alchemy Sage Calls Act 5 Location: Dining room, which is looking very messy and a bit charred in places People: Kraden, Henry, Olivia, Felix, Jenna, Alex and Sheba Kraden: Ok, we wish to hear your story... Olivia: Um, what story? Kraden: You run a Women's Committee yes? Olivia: Yeah... I guess... Kraden: I believe that less than a few months ago, you saw a girl. Henry: Of course she saw a girl, it was a WOMEN's committee right? Felix: :hic: Jenna: Kraden always talks crap, Dad... Alex: Imagine a guy going to a women's committee [snickers] Sheba: Would a hermaphrodite go to one? Jenna: They would probably get kicked out. Kraden: [reaches into his pocket and with a flourish pulls out a photo, which he shows to Olivia] You saw this girl, am I correct in assuming so? Olivia: o.O Kraden: [puts the photo back] Hmm, shall I take that as a yes then? Olivia: I might have seen her once... Jenna: Just tell us, Mom! Alex: Yeah, don't be ashamed. Henry sacked her, Jenna got her fired, I had an affair with her and dumped her. No biggie. Sheba: Don't make me cast Spark Plasma... Alex: [glares at Sheba] You're evil... Sheba: [smiles] I know! Felix: :hic: Kraden: Let's hear your story... Olivia: ...alright... ~ FLASHBACK ~ [Large room, full of comfortable chairs and cushions in a half-ring around three raised desks, and a large banner hanging overhead claiming 'VENUS WOMEN'S COMMITTEE, WE HELP EVERY WOMAN IN NEED' Sitting at the desks are three of the committee workers- Olivia, and Dora and Mrs Jerra. They are sitting expectantly, waiting] Dora: Um, what are we waiting for? Mrs Jerra: I have no clue. Olivia: Oh dear, this is ridiculous... Mrs Jerra: Do people even know we exist? Dora: Didn't you ask? Mrs Jerra: What, it was my job? Since when? Dora: Now I think I'm beginning to understand where Garet gets his brains from... Mrs Jerra: Excuse me? Dora: Uh, nothing! Olivia: Oh, please, we are adults, not children! [Before a full-scale argument can break out, Mia walks in with a cushion wedged up a very thin blue cotton dress. Her hair is hanging loose and is quite messy. She hesistantly sits down on one of the chairs] Mrs Jerra: Welcome to Venus Women's Committee- Dora: Where we satisfy your needs! Mrs Jerra: That didn't sound right. Dora: ... Oh, hell, you're right. Mia: Uh... Olivia: What is your name? Mia: Ahh... uhh... Mrs Venus! Dora & Mrs Jerra: [exchange amused glances] Olivia: Uh, what? Mia: Um, never mind my name! Olivia: Oooookay... go ahead... Mia: It's not really my name, I'm not married. I'm pregnant, but I haven't married the father-to-be... Olivia: Why not? Mia: He's immature. Mrs Jerra: It's a shame the father has abandoned you... Mia: I kinda pushed him away... Olivia: I think you should sort him out. Mia: But- Dora: Have you told him you're pregnant? Mia: Yeah, but he's such a silly boy, we can't marry each other. I don't really feel like it anyway. Sure, he gave me loads and loads of money, but I didn't want any more. Olivia: Why? Mia: Because he said it was stolen! Mrs Jerra: Oh my goodness! Dora: My Isaac would never steal. Mrs Jerra: Or my dear Garet, or my other children... Olivia: Or Felix and Jenna, but that's beside the point... oh wait... Mia: Will you help me? Olivia: ... Dora: I think we should. Mrs Jerra: Me too! Olivia: Well, we won't! Because I say so... for some strange reason... ~ END FLASHBACK ~ Jenna: MOM! Henry: I guess the bit about helping all women is ummm... Sheba: Sarcasm? Henry: Yes, sarcasm! Alex: [snickers] Felix: :hic: Olivia: I believe that I am not to blame for anything. Kraden: Oh? And who would you like to pin the blame on then? Olivia: Firstly, Mia herself- Jenna: For being stupid enough to get fired twice! Olivia: And, um, the father! Felix: [hiccups] Huh? Sheba: Shhh, it's alright, Felix... Alex: Leave him alone, Sheba O_o Kraden: And what do you think should become of the father? Jenna: Oh great, the interesting bit! Henry: Interesting bit? O_o Alex: Yes, the interesting bit! Felix: [hiccups] Olivia: First off, he should be pushed into a river underneath a raging boulder, and then pushed off a lighthouse- Felix: Are you talking about me? ._. Olivia: And then hit by a tidal wave... Jenna: o.O; Olivia: And then thrown to psycho Mars Adepts with pointy ears. Jenna: Stop that, Mom! Olivia: And I say you find him and make sure he's punished severely! Jenna: ;_; [cries] Felix: T_T Alex: Jenna? Olivia: My, what's the matter, Jenna? O_o Henry: I'm sure she's just tired. Kraden: Oh do not worry everybody, I am indeed doing my duty and I do not think I even need to wait for this certain young man. Henry: Don't need to wait? Olivia: Why would he even be here? Jenna: [giggles hysterically] Look, don't you see now? Don't you SEE? Alex: Well, it isn't me. [stares at Felix] Felix: What? Why are you staring at me? T_T Sheba: [grins] Awwwww, Felix.... Felix: O_o;;; Henry: You don't mean... Jenna: He does! Kraden knows all! [laughs maniacally] Alex: Jenna... dear... calm down... please... Henry: But what should we do about Felix then? Kraden: Olivia has just told us what to do. Felix: But all those things have already happened to me! For the most part. Olivia: But I didn't know it was Felix! Jenna: And should that make any difference? Felix: [hiccups] Jenna: Mom, I TOLD you to stop! Did you listen? NO! Olivia: But, Felix never normally gets drunk, or, you know, does things... that happen when drunk! Sheba: He IS drunk... Alex: Because of you! He didn't want to get drunk either! Jenna: Let's just hold this until Felix is sober again... Kraden: Can't, he has to be drunk... [Everyone stares suspiciously at Kraden] Kraden: Really- really- it wasn't, it wasn't... Sheba: It was. I was giving Felix alcoholic cider because Kraden told me to... Felix: SHEBA! :hic: T_T Kraden: Let's just get on with this! Felix: :hic: Jenna: He's hiccuping too much... Alex: One more hiccup and uh... Sheba: I'LL SPARK PLASMA YOU, FELIX! Felix: o.O; O-okay... look, no hiccups... ~ FLASHBACK ~ [Felix staggers into a typical smoky bar and falls over] Felix: Ow! T_T Who put that STUPID stool there? [Felix gets up again and approaches the counter. He stands next to Mia who is wearing the same blue cotton dress, and a thin dark blue cloak around her. Her hair is tied back into a messy ponytail. She stares curiously at Felix.] Felix: Want a drink? ^_^ Mia: o.O Do you realise you smell of vomit? Felix: ...yes? Mia: >_> eww... anyway, sure, I'm really, really hungry and haven't had ANYTHING to eat ALL day, so sure thing! Thanks! ^_^ What's your name? Felix: A lot of drinks for me and a lot of drinks for her! Bartender: O_o I hope you're paying for all this... Felix: (to Mia) I'm Felix Venus. ^_^ Nice to meet you! ^_^ Mia: You seem a bit hyper... excuse me, more like DRUNK! O_o' [drinks] I'm Mia, and I don't care what the script might say, it's my name! Felix: ^_^ [drinks as well] So, what are you doing here? Mia: ^_^; Someone told me to go here. That's all I'm saying. Felix: Okey-dokey! [Fifteen drinks later, Mia exits the pub with Felix following drunkenly and she goes to her 'apartment' but before she goes in, Felix catches up] Felix: M-mia... ca-can I :hic, hic: [collapses] Mia: O_o' [kicks Felix] FELIX! Felix: [stumbles to his feet] I... hate... Kraden... anyway, can I come in? ^_^ Mia: No, I don't want you to come in, bugger off O_o Felix: Fine. [sits on the ground] WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Mia: O_O! Okay, OKAY! You can COME in! HAPPY? Felix: YAY! ^_^ THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! [follows Mia in and they go upstairs] [In the bedroom, which is very dingy looking] Felix: I feel a bit sick... [sniff] Mia: Oh hell... I'll just go get the bucket. ~ BREAK ~ Olivia: So, what happened next? Felix: I don't even remember... but I think we had sex... o.O' Jenna: You idiot! Alex: Never drink too much. [snicker] Felix: I just did! T_T How many glasses? Sheba: About ten, I think. Felix: O.o' You're mean! Kraden: Come on, keep going... ~ BACK TO FLASHBACK ~ [Felix and Mia are sitting in the bedroom and Mia is looking deadly serious] Mia: Felix... Felix: Hmm? Mia: I am pregnant. Felix: Good for you... Mia: [hits Felix with a pillow] That's not scripted, you idiot! Follow the script! Felix: Uh... what script? Mia: AUGH! Felix: Oh, THAT script! Uh... WHAT? Mia: And it's all your fault too! Felix: Okay... so... er, should we get married then? Mia: No, I don't want to marry you! [sniff] Um, anyway... Felix: Hey, want some money I stole off my dad? Mia: SURE! [grabs it] Felix: My dad won't notice! Mia: Wait, stolen? Felix: Count it, five thousand coins from the office! ^_^ Mia: You are SO dumped. But I'm keeping the money anyway. Felix: [runs off crying] ~ END OF FLASHBACK ~ Felix: I was going to pay it back, really! Henry: Oh well, five thousand isn't that much... Jenna: We've got loads more than that! ^_^ Felix: [sniffle] Mom turned her away! Alex: That's right! Mia was pregnant and Olivia turned her away just like that! Felix: She killed her own grandchild! ;_; Olivia: How was I supposed to know? Felix: Duh, she called herself Mrs Venus, remember? Henry: Hmm, that should have been obvious! Olivia: Oh, that's right... Jenna: [sighs] Alex: So, what next? Jenna: For starters, I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully. Alex: O_o' Felix: WAAAAAAAA! ;_; Kraden: STOP! [Everyone stops and stares at Kraden, not making a sound] Kraden: Now listen to me. Each and every single one of you is in a way responsible for the fate of poor Mia. And remember, you can't even tell her you're sorry... Jenna: But what if we use a Ouija board? Kraden: ... I shall now take my leave. Farewell. [walks out] Everyone: WHOOOPEEEE! YAY! HE'S GONE! Alex: I'll be back in a minute! [rushes out] Jenna: ALEX! NO! HE GOT AWAY! [Outside] Alex: Hmm... [sees Garet who is standing in the street and pretending to be an Inspector] Hey, 'Inspector' Garet! Garet: Huh? Alex: Is there anybody named Kraden on the police force or whatever? Garet: No... I don't think so... Alex: Thanks! [rushes back in] [The dining room] Jenna: THAT FILTHY EVIL MEGALOMANIACAL- Felix: :hic: Sheba: Not again! Felix: Your fault. T__T Henry: Jenna, stop yelling. Olivia: That was weird... Alex: [returns] I have returned. Jenna: Obviously. You've extended your life by a little longer. Alex: o_o;;; Henry: I bet he wasn't an Alchemy Sage. Olivia: No, he definitely had that horrible Alchemy Sage smell... Alex: ?_? Felix: ?_? Jenna: Probably wasn't an inspector... Felix: He inspected us though =\ Alex: Guess what? Jenna: What? Felix: I see shiny things! Sheba: [hits Felix with a teatowel] Felix: OW! Why is everyone being mean to me? WAAA! Olivia: What? Henry: What? Alex: Kraden is absolutely a hundred percent NOT a police inspector! Henry/Olivia: YAY! Felix/Jenna: So? Alex: o.O' Olivia: It makes everything okay doesn't it? Felix: ... Jenna: [glares] Henry: I'm going to make sure... [grabs the phone and dials] Hello, is this Chief Inspector Iodem? Do you know a guy named Kraden? You DO? But he isn't a police inspector? Sure? Okay! Thanks! [hangs up] ^_^ Jenna: [sighs] Felix: ... Olivia: Yeah, I know, he didn't even talk or dress like a police inspector! Jenna: Does that mean we're all nice people now, huh? Alex: Thought we already were... oh, wait, not me. I'm not a nice guy at all. Felix: Jenna's right... it makes no difference... Olivia/Henry: LET'S PARTY! [start partying] Jenna: SHE'S STILL DEAD! Felix: AND IT'S ALL OUR FAULT, REMEMBER? Alex: [sighs] I'll just run up the phone bill and call the hospital... Hi, this is Alex Mercury, the best, and the most powerful Mercury Adept in the world so you better tell the truth or I'll come around and drown you. Anyway, has anybody committed suicide tonight? No? REALLY? Cool! [hangs up] Jenna: [glares sullenly at Alex] Alex: ?_? Felix: Hrumph... Alex: You two are definitely sulky children tonight... Olivia/Henry: [are still partying] Alex: Jenna, will you still marry me? Jenna: I don't want to anymore. Felix: Leave her alone. Alex: Well, okay then. [muttering] Looks like I'm off the hook now. Thank goodness. Henry: Aw, come on, Jenna, be happy! [parties] It was a joke! Olivia: Just a silly joke! [PHONE RINGS] Alex: [grabs it] Yes? Felix: You do NOT answer with 'Yes?'! Hissing voice on phone: Seven days to live... Alex: [screams and slams the phone back down] Jenna: ?_? Alex: Uh, never mind... [sits down] [PHONE RINGS] Felix: [grabs the phone] :HIC:! Jenna: FELIX! Alex: FELIX! Sheba: [groans] Voice on phone: [sings] It's a small world after aaaallll... Felix: [slams phone down and sits down again] Huh... Jenna: Rude phone manners tonight... [PHONE RINGS AND RINGS AND RINGS] Jenna: Alright, alright, I'LL answer it! [grabs the phone and screams] WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Henry/Olivia/Sheba/Alex/Felix: JENNA! Jenna: [goes pale and slams phone back down] Oh no... Felix: ?_? Jenna: [turns around] That was the police... they say that a girl forced a Jupiter Adept to use Spark Plasma on her repeatedly and she died at the hospital... and an Alchemy Sage is on his way here to.... ask questions... Alex: R-really? Jenna: No. It was just Isaac calling to ask if we wanted double glazing. Sheba: *sigh* Jenna, that wasn't nice! Felix: [hiccups] --- END OF ACT 5 END OF AN ALCHEMY SAGE CALLS ---