How would you like to hear some horoscopes?
Mine probably goes "There is a very high risk of you being captured and executed." Such is the life of a pirate.
If it's so dangerous, then why do it?
It pays well. Besides, someone's got to keep Champa fed.
Why don't you all just up sticks and move somewhere else?
... I dunno. Maybe it's the fact we're surrounded by mountains and don't exactly have a wealth of ships.
Um, anyway, I'll be foretelling a year's worth of horoscopes. Enjoy!


Venus

January - You will meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger... in a backstreet alley. Take care not to let him mug you. What, did you think he was going to profess his love for you? Don't be ridiculous.

February - You will learn the importance of not wasting Psynergy after you decide going on an Odyssey casting spree in a monster filled dungeon is a really good idea.

March - Someone is giving you funny looks. Maybe it's love, or maybe it's that "Kick me" sign SOMEONE thought would be a good idea to put on your back.

April - You shouldn't have sat on that marching line of ants. Hope you have some really good itching powder on hand.

May - The flowers are out in full bloom. That includes dangerous monster flowers that will try to eat you.

June - Time for a holiday? Hope you don't get stuck behind a Point of No Return.

July - Someone, somewhere, is thinking about you. Are they good or bad thoughts? Don't ask me.

August - If you see freaky ass clowns, kill them. All clowns are freaky ass by the way.

September - She will ask you if her bottom looks big in her new dress. LIE, FOR THE LOVE OF IRIS!

October -  That scarf is getting really dirty. Perhaps it's about time you washed it?

November - Those red-eyed people may or may be no good. Do not judge them by the color of their eyes.

December - Yes, that's an awful looking sweater, but try to keep a straight face and say you loved it to avoid hurting their feelings.

Mars

January - A dream about insane killer snowmen will mean you have to change your sheets.

February - It's a really bad idea to have a drinking night out with your friends. Trust me.

March - You will discover a new flammable object.

April - Hope you have a steel umbrella. Rain isn't the only thing you will need to worry about.

May - A zombie apocalypse will happen unexpectedly. The horror, the horror!

June - Make sure you put your Djinn away when you're having that barbecue party.

July - Take your chances with that sandcastle building contest. You might be surprised.

August - Your blind date will turn out to have a very shocking secret. Be prepared.

September - Beware of Mountain Roc flying overhead. You don't want to find out how big its poop is.

October - Helping out a random stranger will get you a great reward.

November - The thing you are looking for is in the last place you would expect.

December - You will find that perfect present. Just keep looking.

Jupiter

January - Watch your Spark Plasmas. They can be surprisingly destructive.

February - A long lost relative dies... and bequeaths you moth eaten socks.

March - Someone ate your last muffin. Perhaps you will find the true culprit sooner than you think.

April - April showers are no fun. Wear a raincoat.

May - Your date will end in disaster. By the way, notice something missing?

June - Reading a friend's mind will have dire consequences.

July - No, you really can't fly like that. Please don't attempt it.

August - That's no treasure chest. Trust me.

September - Luck will come your way this month.

October - A simple trip out may mean you having to save the world. Be careful.

November - Relax. Take deep breaths. It will be fine.

December - Will taking a sled ride with a certain person lead to something more?

Mercury

January - You will discover the sinister secrets of Crystal Powder.

February - Who is your mysterious Valentine? You'll be surprised...

March - A surprise is coming your way.

April - Dancing in the rain leads to a bout of pneumonia. Hope you can heal your own illnesses.

May - Don't try making fun of Boreas's name when summoning it. You'll be sorry.

June - You will have a surprise encounter with an old friend.

July - It's a bad time to be swimming in the sea.

August - An experience may lead to you finding your destiny.

September - Watch out for that banana peel.

October - Trust me. You really don't want to know.

November - Having snow stuffed down your pants turns out to be quite uncomfortable.

December - You will narrowly avoid death by reindeer stampede.